A Love Story

{ January 7, 2009 @ 8:54 am } · { boyfriend, happiness, love, relationships, self help, self-improvement }
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There I was… dating a guy for three years, and being pretty unhappy for the last two… and so, I was trying to make things work for us for a long time, and it just wasn’t working…. In September I was cruising around facebook and I ran across a name I hadn’t seen in a long long time and I sent a friend request.  About two weeks later I got an email from this person and then in October, I ran into him(sort of on purpose). The moment I saw him I knew I had to leave the guy I was with to be with this other person. I just knew it. Actually I think deep down I knew it the minute I got the first email from him. It was like love at first sight and the situation took on a life of its own and it’s been amazing and wonderful and weird and things are falling perfectly into place in a way I never expected.

It’s magical. I seriously have NEVER felt this way about anyone before. I know I’ll eventually marry him and we’ll probably have some babies together. I have never been more sure of anything in my life.

 I have never felt this way about anyone ever and it’s crazy. I fell hard and fast for him and I can’t explain the feelings I’m having, and I pretty much think he’s THE ONE.

So yeah, it’s my very own love story come true, and I couldn’t be happier. There are a few obstacles, but nothing that can’t be overcome. He’s had a lot of tragedy in his life, our family situations are so similar it’s scary, and we have a lot in common and similar emotional needs. It feels like we were made to be together.

Ok, I’ll stop gushing now, because seriously, I could go on and on for days.

Love.

{ October 20, 2008 @ 10:28 am } · { Anxiety, boyfriend, relationships, self help, self-improvement }
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I think that when you fall in love with someone, maybe you fall in love with a collection of fantasies about what the future could hold.  And then one by one, over time, that person pops all those little fantasy bubbles until there aren’t any left and then you realize you aren’t in love anymore.

The Nature of the Universe

{ October 17, 2008 @ 8:47 am } · { Anxiety, boyfriend, codependency, codependent, communication, mood swings, relationships, self help, self-improvement }
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Someone from my past (15+ years ago), has recently resurfaced.  He has had major lifechanging experiences, as have I.  I also currently have a boyfriend, who doesn’t treat me the way I think I should be treated.  This person from my past has put an offer on the table.  If he has the chance to pick up where we left off (which was holding hands, btw), he promises not to screw things up with me.  He promises to be loyal, gentle, honest, and caring.  To always treat me with respect and love. (promises all broken by my current bf)

He has awakened in me things I have not felt in a very long time.  I don’t think he’s a viable option right now, but he has seriously shaken my feelings for my boyfriend.

I know the Universe is taking care of me. I know it, I feel it, I just don’t yet know what is supposed to happen.  I am drawn to this other man who is surely not right for me.  Or is he?  I need to proceed with caution.  My reading suggested I trust my intuition.

My intuition tells me I need to hear the new person’s story (this could take hours, days, weeks, months – I don’t know).  I feel I need to also share my story with him. Be his friend and leave it at that.  My intuition tells me he will treat me the way he says.  My intuition tells me he will want more than I can give him.  My intuition tells me that I will leave my boyfriend over this.  Whether it’s to give this other guy a shot or whether my desire to spend time with this other man tells me that my bf can’t possible be ‘the one.’

I am already emotionally giving this man energy I am not currently willing to give to my bf.  I fantasize about how we will spend time together.  It’s strange.  It’s like falling in love.

To further complicate matters, my bf has finally enrolled in school.  In a very demanding 1 year program.  I feel I pushed him into this and now I feel a responsibility to see him through it.  Not my responsibility, I know, but somehow I am bearing this burden. He takes me for granted and he takes advantage of that. I think it’s too little too late, and I think it was never school/money that bothered me at all.  I wish I had realized/admitted this sooner.  How much time have I spent focusing on the wrong things?

Nostalgia

{ October 1, 2008 @ 8:06 am } · { Anxiety, SAD, darkness, depression, money, mood swings, sadd, self help, self-improvement, weather, weightloss }
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I’ve been thinking a lot today about a house I wanted to keep but couldn’t.  It was given to me 3 years ago, and I should have been able to keep it, but I couldn’t.  The money just wasn’t there.  A job just wasn’t there.  A lot of things just wouldn’t fall into place to make it happen.  It was my sanctuary, a place to be grounded and feel centered. When I lived there I was in great shape, emotionally and physically.

I haven’t re-created that for myself.  I consistently am spending more money that I am bringing in and I am scheduling more hours than I have to give.  I am doing too much and I’m having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I have let myself get pulled in too many directions, and I’ve let my health slide as a result.  I need to lose 30 pounds. 30 lbs will get me back to where I was in the house I lost.

I can’t stand to see pictures of myself.  It looks like my head photoshopped onto a body that’s too big for me.  So, what am I doing about it?  Today I’m going to lunch and I will probably eat an entire basket of greasy delicious garlic bread.  Why do I do this to myself?  How can I make it stop?

I know I need to exercise.  I have a paid gym membership, I have a dog to walk.  I make excuses and then feel bad about it, which makes me want to eat. I suffer, the dog suffers, and people around me suffer because I’m unbearable to be around.  It’s a vicious cycle and I need to stop it.  I just don’t know how.

I’m going to get some therapy. I hope it helps

Dollars in the wind

{ September 3, 2008 @ 7:10 am } · { Anxiety, Energy Vampire, boyfriend, communication, money, relationships, self help, self-improvement }
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Last week I spent almost $600 on brakes, oil change, and tire rotation on my car.  My car insurance is due ($500), and so is the registration and tags($120).  Last night my refrigerator stopped keeping things cold.  I have no idea how much a new fridge costs, and I’m terrified.  I can’t keep up right now even though I know that this too shall pass.

There is a woman who owes me $300.  I emailed her last night.  I might have been a little harsh, but I loaned her the money a year ago.  She promised to pay me back by Thanksgiving.  Then it was Christmas, then she stopped telling me when.  I pointed out to her that I thought I might hear from her around the time the economic stimulus checks went out. That would have been the perfect time for her to pay me back.  I really need that $300.  I’m pretty sure I’ll never get it. I believe in Karma, though. This is the same woman I think is an energy vampire.

As for the boyfriend…  For some reason I want to try to make it work.  I’m trying to remind myself of the reasons I fell for him in the first place, but that seems like a lifetime ago.  It’s amazing to me how much I’ve changed in the last three years.  I’m taking things really slowly.  I’m trying really hard to figure out what I saw in him.  It’s difficult.  I can’t remember right now.  I have a lot of other things to focus on. Other things to keep me busy.

I’ve been watching some things on youtube.  I like the quicklist feature.  I can create a list of a bunch of things I want to watch/listen to, and play them all in a row.  It’s great, because I can do this while I work.  Anyway, I’ve been listening to a bunch of stuff about reincarnation and about sould mates.  I think that I either have something to teach the bf, or I have something to learn from him that has not yet been learned.  Our business is not finished, either way, and until it is, I feel like I need to try to make things work.  I know I need to become a better communicator.  I know I need to learn to be nicer.  I also know he needs to learn to be more proactive about his life and his situation, and he needs to start becomming a responsible adult.

So much reflection going on here.  I think there will only be more introspection as I get closer to my 30th birthday.  I almost wish I could take a few days to just go off into the woods by myself and be.  And think.  And make plans.  BF wouldn’t understand that, though.  Besides, I have plenty of alone time with him sitting on the couch next to me.  heh.

Anyone know any really good websites about self discovery?

Growing

{ August 22, 2008 @ 7:35 am } · { Anxiety, boyfriend, magick, pagan, relationships, self help, self-improvement, weather, wicca, witch, witchcraft }
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It has really become apparent to me that my bf and I are growing apart.  Actually, I think I am growing and he is not.  It seems I am always on a quest to learn and grow and do and be more.  He doesn’t seem to be doing the same thing.  Most of the time I think he looks uncomfortable in his own skin and situation.  Most of the time I treat him poorly.  I have lost respect and lost interest and I don’t know what to do or how to fix it.  Maybe I can’t fix it.

I did a card reading last night to help determine what path to take next in life.  The conclusion is that I should be entering a period of action.  Less thinking and planning and more doing.  I think I should be focusing on doing what I want to do and stop worrying about his comfort level, his participation level, his growth level.  I suppose if he wants to keep me in his life he will find a way to keep up and be with me.  I am solely responsible for my happiness, right?  And he for his, right?  If he needs something I have to trust he will let me know.  If he tells me he is fine, I have to trust that he’s telling the truth.  And if he isn’t truthful, it’s not my problem and he must have a reason for not sharing that with me.

It’s a cloudy day today. It hasn’t rained in weeks, and summer is past it’s peak.  The grass is mostly brown and crunchy – except where it’s well watered.  We need the rain.  I need the rain.

I’m about to start school in a few weeks and I’m a little terrified.  I graduated 8 years ago, and now I’m about to start up again.  Wish me luck.

Gestation

{ August 18, 2008 @ 1:12 pm } · { Anxiety, boyfriend, genital warts, hpv, relationships, self help, self-improvement, warts, weightloss }
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It’s been almost nine months since I’ve written anything here.  Maybe it’s because the days are getting shorter, maybe I need a reality check.  Maybe I’ve been dealing with more stuff lately.  I don’t know.

Looking back at my posts from last year… I weighed 188 lbs last September.  I weigh the same today.

I had probelems with my mom, and problems with my boyfriend, and problems with my health.  My mom seems to have leveled out a little, our relationship is still strained and our roles are still a little reversed, but I don’t have lasting negative feelings from seeing her or talking to her lately.

As far as my health goes, I have mostly taken care of the wart situation.  I think this may require ongoing monitoring for a while, but I feel good about where I am.  The boyfriend seems to be developing some, though, a year and a half after I got my first ones; and just as I am about to be done with mine.  It’s a very strange bug, HPV.

I also just finished a bunch of physical therapy for low back pain, and it seems I’m cured for the moment, and I will be right as rain as long as I continue to do my exercises.

I got a dog a while back and I am struggling with that responsibility.  I have trouble walking her everyday, and there is training inconsistency to deal with – the bf doesn’t always train the way I train, or in some cases, I feel like he actually untrains her.  She absolutely does not come when called.  I think this is because we would call her and then put her into her crate, or made her come inside when she didn’t want to. I suspect that he would call her to him and then punish her, but I can’t be sure.  It’s just what I think and feel.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with gender identity and traditional gender roles and how to cope with being the main breadwinner… I’ve been reading a lot on the internet about it.  I have trouble seeing what is fair and what isn’t and how much of the blame I should be taking instead of passing along to the bf when my bank acct doesn’t look the way I want it to. I think also that I assume a lot.  How does one stop making assumptions?

Humans are built to learn, adapt and create; but how do we stop when it’s a destructive habit?  I am slowly destroying the respect I have for my boyfriend by making assumptions about what he will do before he’s even done it.  I ask him to stop voicing negative emotions around me, yet I do it to him and I do it to myself on a regular basis…  and I don’t know how to stop.

I need peace and calm and a place to float and be quiet.

The Beast Rises Again

{ December 7, 2007 @ 9:45 am } · { Anxiety, Doctors, Energy Vampire, darkness, depression, michigan, mommy dearest, mood swings, ptsd, relationships, self help, self-improvement, toxic mother, toxic parents }
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My mom called me yesterday.  Completely out of the blue, as usual.  Highlights:

  • She complained that I didn’t call her on Thanksgiving
  • I told her I was having semi-serious health issues that involve special tests at a hospital, and she interrupted me to talk about herself.
  • She mentioned several times how beautiful and gorgeous my cousin who I haven’t even seen in 5 years is.
  • She tried to contact the friend of the court to get child support that my dad never paid.  Money I never saw as a kid.  Money she would have spent on drugs anyway.  The she was mad because the case was closed a few years ago (I’m 29).

I notice that when she calls, I’m not upset about it initially.  Then slowly over the next 24 hours, I get angrier and angrier.  Then it takes another 24 hours to recover from the anger and the hurt.  Every time she calls, it hurts.  Contact with her always hurts in one way or another.

So, why do I answer the phone when she calls?  Most of the time she calls from numbers I don’t recognize.  A lot of the time, I’m worried about how she is doing.  I like to know what she’s up to.  Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

I am angry.  I never tell her what I think when she calls – mostly because I never realize how angry I am until later.  Two things made me angry when I was on the phone, though, and I didn’t say anything.  I didn’t say anything because when I do, she cries, and hangs up.  Then I feel guilty. It’s easier to let her talk and then I won’t have to deal with it for a while.

The two things that made me angry:  Her trying to cash in on child support 11 years after the fact, and her telling me how beautiful and gorgeous and successful my cousin is (apparently she’s about to buy 80 acres somewhere).

I feel like that money should be mine.  When I was a kid, I got paper bags full of clothes from garage sales for back-to-school – if I was lucky.  A big part of the time I stayed with relatives.  What right does she have to go after that money?  Then again, she was a single parent, so maybe she should get the money.  The problem I really have is that nobody should give her anything.  She should work for what she gets – just like everyone else. She always looking for some get rich quick scheme.  Easy money.  Anytime anything slightly bad happens to me, she thinks I should sue.  I just really hate that mentality.  The reason she has no ambition, no money, and no friends is because she has no sense of personal responsibility.  No sense of right and wrong.  I wish she would grow up.

As for her telling me how beautiful and gorgeous and successful my cousin is: it’s just hurtful.  My mother has never said anything like this to me about me.  When I was in college, I started to gain a little weight, and my mom said she thought it was good that I was getting a job at a health club; that maybe I would start working out because my ass was getting big.  She has picked on me about my feet (I have strange toes – probably from being crammed into shoes that were too small when I was little), my weight, my decisions.  The first time I remember hearing the words “I love you” from her was when I graduated from high school.  She has never been affectionate with me.

She was always better at complimenting other people’s children, and giving them things (usually things that belonged to me).  She always treats other peoples kids better than me.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I could probably go on and on, but I’ll just work myself into a frenzy.  It seems better to admit defeat and try to distract myself with something else.

Vampires are Real

{ November 6, 2007 @ 9:06 am } · { Anxiety, Energy Vampire, darkness, kitchen witch, magick, money, pagan, paganism, relationships, self-improvement, wicca, witch, witchcraft }
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I met a woman where I used to work who told me she is an Alexandrian Witch.  Witchcraft has always fascinated me, and she offered to train me for the requisite year and a day.  At the time, I was really excited.  It was pretty well known in my family that Grandma used to have séances and I have several cauldrons that belonged to her as well.

Since then, I have begun find her a little emotionally unstable.  She complains about panic attacks, and complete panic over any kind of change in her life.  I find this a little contradictory.  I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and therefore we should not be so afraid of change and new experiences.  She has money troubles, too. I have loaned her money.  Not a huge amount of money, but almost half a mortgage payment. 

She came to my house Sunday to talk to me about the training.  I felt I was forcing conversation.  She doesn’t seem to really want to talk about anything.  I felt tired while she was with me, and for the first time I felt cold in my own home (even though I always keep my house at the same temperature).  Meanwhile, she was warning me against energy vampires and trying to convince me they are real (no kidding!).  She tells me she could do spells to improve her situation, but she is afraid of what consequences they might bring. 

I told her that I have a method of visualization and asking the universe to take care of me, and it usually works well for me.  She then asks me to visualize a lotto win or windfall of some kind.  To the tune of $25,000. For her.

I was flabbergasted.  If she thinks I am in such need of her training, why is she asking me to run a visualization for her?  Am I so much more powerful than she is? If so, why does she feel the need to train me?

This seems like a lose-lose situation for me.  I will give my time, my energy, and my allegiance, and get what in return?  Training in a tradition that was invented from a tradition that was invented.  Training based on a set of gods and sabbats I feel no connection with (Roman/Greek).  I feel more in tune with Celtic/Druidic/or even American Indigenous ways/beliefs.

I feel like maybe I already know more than this woman, more than I will learn from her.  I think the list of books to read that she wants to give me might be good to read, and I am curious, but I do not want to form some sort of bind with this woman or her group.  I’m also not so conceited as to think that I know everything.

She was telling me that they routinely come under attack from dark forces.  She is quick to point out hardship, pain, suffering, and evil attacks.  I have yet to hear about anything positive, except the knowledge that I could exact a sharper revenge on those who cross me.  I find it strange, and unsettling. I do not experience these things regularly, nor do I want to.  I feel that maybe I need to assert myself, have faith in the path I’m on, and leave well enough alone.  I am happy, calm and feel grounded for the first time in a long time. Why would I want to upset this?

Art for Art’s sake?

{ October 18, 2007 @ 7:54 am } · { Art, Artshow, SAD, darkness, depression, halloween, weather, weightloss, work }
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Last night, we went downtown for an artshow that a friend of ours was having at a little bar.  The artist is a phenomenal sculptor, painter, sketch artist….  basically gifted in any medium.

I was excited.   Then we got there. There was a white platform on the floor with folded up navy blue fabric and a pile of paper with some pencil smudges on it.  There was a small carved marble lock shaped thing.  There was a black box with airplane while noise coming out of it.  The blackbox also had three little icons on it: a boxer, an arrow and a pair of headphones.  There was a ninja.  A guy in a ninja costume (a friend of the artist who apparently is a ninja).  And there was a set of two boxes, about 4 feet apart, on had a shoe on it, and the shoelace was stretched out and almost touching the other box (apparently done with magnets).

So, yeah, I was letdown. I know this guy is a great artist, but I just didn’t get the point of the whole thing.  I mean, does fancy art school really make you like this?  There was no sculpture, no paint.  I guess I felt like it was a rush job, a cop-out.  He scheduled this thing, didn’t work on it and came up with some crap at the last minute.  He stammered over words to try to explain.  Something about things you’d just see… a plane… a blackbox….  I dunno.

Maybe I just don’t appreciate art.  I think I could have done better, and I’m not much of an artist these days.  And I’ve never been to art school, but what do I know, right?  Feh.

The days are getting shorter pretty quickly here, and it’s dark most of the time.  The weather hasn’t been too great, and that doesn’t help.  I have a great job, I have a great house.  Why can’t I be happy?

My weight is holding at 6 lbs lost.

I wanted a really nice photo of my house with the fall colored trees in the yard, and I don’t think the trees are going to cooperate.  The trees on the other side of the park have turned and the leaves are mostly on the ground.  My trees are still green.  wtf?

I also wanted to have really cool Halloween decorations in the yard, and that isn’t happening either.  I just feel like there’s no time for anything. Grrr!

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